BANG! SHOOT ME IF YOU CAN!

Hmmm... I was contemplating since Sunday whether I should go to the Emergency as I was still not feeling too good after the procedures last week. The doctor did tell me that if I am anywhere not too close to comfort, I should visit the Emergency. I woke up this morning about 3.25am feeling feverish. I took Panadols and hoping to feel better. I was worried of an infection there. Or I was also worried about the bleeding which has not stopped but lesser. I fell asleep and woke up at every hour to check the time. Dang! I have the alarm set, so what was I so paranoid about? I think I was just worried and feeling irritated. I heard the alarm at 6.30am. I texted my colleagues about my decision not to go to work and to go to the Emergency.

This was the first visit to a women's emergency department which was not crowded at all, not that I expected. I saw the doctor-on-duty quite fast, less than 15 minutes waiting time. He checked the part which was still sore and bleeding but he said that it seemed well. He let me test my urine, to rule out an urine tract infection. He gave me some more antibiotics. I think eating all these medication is making me even more sick but what to do? I feel like going back to work but those irritations do not make me feel any better. I cannot concentrate. I think I wont be able to fully concentrate till I am done and over with this treatment and the surgery! Quite stressful if that is the feeling. I am lost sometimes. Trying to accept my condition. And trying to give myself the hope and encouragement, looking at my loved ones around me. This is really unfortunate. Series and series of events that happened and happening in my life. I think that Almighty thinks I am up for the challenges that He just keeps throwing them at me. The good, the bad and the ugly. So should I be complaining? I should not be whining, should I? But He created me as a human being where flesh and blood are made. So now what again?

I think I am feeling bad about this whole situation regarding my job and studies. I even had a bad dream this afternoon when I woke up, I saw the time at 4pm and I was perspiring. I dreamt that I was talking to another colleague and then bad news broke to me that I have been asked to leave my work due to frequent absences! I wanted to cry! I took a cold shower and felt a little depressed sitting on the toilet seat, thinking about my future. What have I become?! Dang again!
Another depressing episode, I missed another lesson today. Feeling abit groggy. I try to read my notes and journals. Starting to type something for my assignment due next week. And I drifted off, now typing this instead. I am going to rest for another day. Hope that I can be back at work on Wednesday. I know, my colleagues would all be questioning me... So what I am going to say? Viruses ATTACKED!!! Thats it!

SIGH. I feel so fucked up! FUCK MY LIFE! FUCK!

Thanks Almighty for keeping me alive!

All Alone

I am all alone at home. Mother-in-law and hubby have gone to Malaysia and will return the next day. I was not very approving for hubby to go as he has been coughing very badly. It sounds like he is having some infection but I just do not understand why that he does not want to see a doctor and simply rely on the cough medication which he bought over the counter. I hate the sound of cough and I crossed my fingers that I will not get it from him. He was then unhappy about me not following him along. Of course I will not want to because I am still recovering from that pain. But to him, it will be fine to just sit in the car and travelling should not make it more worse. I hate that when I tried to reason with him and he will give me craps. And I do not understand and I still do not know the purpose of going to Malaysia this time. What is wrong with the frequent visits to Malaysia? Oh no... If mother-in-law misses her house so much, she should just stay there for good! I am getting tired. I want my flat back! I think that will be another episode! And good news, my brother-in-law's wife is now 2 months' pregnant so this will be another anticipation!

Hmmm... I feel like eating Nasi Lemak with Otah today...

Free My Tresses

As I have been given several days of medical leave, I cannot go anywhere but I decided to go the neighbourhood salon to cut off my tresses. Yeah. My hair was very long that it almost touched the back of my waist. I was thinking that if I am going for my surgery, short hair will be much more easier to manage. So there I went, I chopped off my tresses!!!

Other than cutting off my tresses, I also intend to read up my journals for the school assignments and try to do one although the due date is in two weeks' time. I am in pain now but it is still bearable. So I hope I can finish at least one of the two assignments before due.

Hmmm ... I feel like eating Sushi today ...

Fighting Viruses

I do not want to go mentally crazy but this can be quite a torture. Dealing with some illness is not easy for an individual especially when pain is involved and emotions can be abstract. Why do I say that emotions can be abstract? I can lose myself into the abyss of emotions and trying to swim out of it but do not know which directions to go. But I do take it quite well in the sense that I can still function normally.

When my body was being attacked by some viruses which can be cancerous, I was not quite in shock to hear the news at the first place. I have been expecting this, not that I am pessimistic about my own health but I have a history of cancer illnesses from my late mum's family. So here I am, dealing with some cancer causing viruses at my vulva and cervix, I need to deal with them with initial pain before these viruses turned nasty and started dealing with me. The thing about these viruses are, they come in hundred and one kinds that can stay or go as they wish. Stubborn ones like what I have just refused to fight with my body and stay put, so I need to make them leave or they will start building up nests and become networks that go to other parts of my body. These crab-like things can multiple very fast if you let them grow.

I need some strength. I am glad that my bosses and colleagues are kind enough to excuse me from work when I need to go for my treatment. But I am not too sure if my school is generous enough for me to attend less than the required 80% of the class which falls on every Wednesday as I may feel too painful to move around after I am done with the procedure, I need to skip the lesson. Well, my doctor only comes in on Wednesday, so I have no other days to choose. Anyway, I need to check with them again. My hubby seems supportive. He is always cheering me but I am not so sad actually. Probably that is just the way he does to show support. Words of emotion will make him cry like a baby. My own family is also taking my condition pretty well. Whatever comes along, we deal with it together.

I cry when I want to cry. I laugh when I want to laugh. How much worse can I be? I guess this is one bravest part of me that I have never seen. And I hope I can still be as brave as now when it is time for surgery. Just gotta hang on there, right!? ... Hmmm ... I miss Granny ...
And you can see, that was just a funny shot my hubby took with me in the train after we were going home from a procedure.
I did not look quite happy with his silly enthics.