A New Blog Skin

This is so difficult. I used to ask Hanz to help me with the blogskin. Since I am on leave, I thought I should try to learn how to do it. I spent about three hours trying to figure out. Its even harder than studying! Hahahaha... I guess I need more practices and learning to understand those codes. Some people can just do it like a piece of cake. Now, I have this new skin up, I am trying to get my sidebar back as you can see, the whole page has been centralised all the way down. I dont know how. Maybe I will figure out later!

Tomorrow is Khatijah's last day at work. Hanz just messaged me if I would be joining them for dinner tonight. Since I am not really in the fit situation, I decided not to go. I want to rest better and study for my coming exam on Monday. I think I may take a bus to KL to visit hubby over the weekend. Gosh. I am having headache now!

I decided to change back to the classic template. I just felt its not right somewhere... Today is 911-day.

On Medical Leave Again

I woke up this morning feeling feverish and painful at that spot which Prof did an biopsy. I really hate biopsy now. When I read my biopsy report that day, I realised that Prof had cut out about 1 cm of flesh from that most sensitive spot. No wonder it is so painful than the other spot where there was laser treatment given. I really could not tolerate as I have finished my antibiotics and decided to go and seek a doctor's advice if it is infected. I went to my company clinic and told the doctor on duty my whole story and he decided to inspect the area. So there is indeed some infection. He gave me 2 new doses of antibiotics and 2 other types of painkillers, plus 3 days of medical leave. ARGH! I really do not like it. I sympathise my colleagues who are helping me out even though they are already so busy with their work. (Thanks to Kelly for being my silent supporter and my dear supervisor, Melissa for standing by with me all the time! ) I just feel incompetent and wanting to leave my job. At least, the department can employ someone who is not sick like me. ARGH! Although my condition is more stable, the pre-cancer cells are gone. I am still on a tight schedule of following up, in every 3 to 4 weeks time frame. My entitled sick leave has exhausted and I need to use my annual leave to clear my medical leave. I plan to go for a short trip to Sydney to meet my sister-in-law at the end of the year but looking at my leave, I think it is kinda hard! At work, my morale is not getting higher each day. Luckily, I still have my studies and the thoughts of my hubby to look forward to. Now, my focus is to finish up my studies and plan to move over to KL to join hubby. I may join his company in research team. Although I have marketing background, I did not practise it after I finished my studies in that area. I love human services and has been exploring this area in the healthcare industry. But I guess, sometimes we need to make some sacrifices when it is time. Oh well... I am going to miss many people around!

DOA

What do you suggest when you see this picture? It was actually cuter in real life! It was lying beneath the motobike motionless! I just snapped and immediately it opened its eyes! So it was playing dead and very well! After a while, it sat up and stared into my camera, telling me not to disturb further. Right... When I turned my head to look at it, back to that sleeping pose again! I wish I can read its mind!

What Happened To Mother Nature ?

Look at this! Do you believe what you see? Do you know what you are looking at? Do you think this picture has been heavily photoshopped? Gosh! What happened to mother nature!!?

" PAINFUL RIGHT ?! "

That was the first thing Prof said when he saw me entering the room. I could not help it but laughed! Oh gosh, dear Prof! How is it not painful at that particular spot which is one of the most sensitive skin area! He laughed too but he assured me that he did a biopsy again on that particular spot and it is NOW CLEARED!!! Should I be jumping for joy? He checked the whole area again where the surgery was done. I could not bear to look at the screen this time cos' I really dont want to see how ugly it has become! Actually, it was the pain that made me squirm and I really want to get over with and go home! Prof said that I am recovering well. And he said that I should wash the area more often with running tap water, not necessary to use irrigation solution. But I just hate the stinging feeling and the Prof said, " You gotta bear with it, girl! "
Anyway, I will be back to work on Monday! I am not really excited about it. Dont know why... recently I have been thinking of searching for greener grass. But then, I also cannot bear to leave this working place and some colleagues. Oh well... Thats some thoughts! See about it again later!

It Has Been A Week

Yeah. One week after my surgery. I am still feeling the pain. Going for my first post-op check tomorrow. Feeling cranky and kinda sad. Dont know what it would be like. I dont feel like returning to work at all.

First my home internet has been giving me problems since last week. I cannot connect full time as it keeps going off line. Someone is going to come in tomorrow evening to have a check. I just feel like incompetence without internet. Gosh. Can I go back to primitive life? Bet it is impossible! ARGH!!!

Supposed to have a Gerontology Counselling at SSTI but unable to go due to my medical leave. I need to explain the whole story to company HR and SSTI as well since it is funded by company itself. Trouble. But what to do? Hopefully they can accept my explanation that I AM GOING TO MISS ONLY THIS LESSON TODAY!!! AND I COMPREHEND THAT I MAY NOT GET A CERTIFICATE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT!!! Damn it. IS EVERYTHING LIKE THESE SO IMPORTANT or MY HEALTH? Yeah. Yeah. MONEY! ITS ALL ABOUT MONEY! I was already being nice enough to send an email to SSTI to explain my absence today. Too bad I do not have our HR contact and I did not think of asking any of my colleagues about it. SO ITS GOING TO BE A BIG DEAL!!! Yeah. In case I will be ask to pay the full cost of the course. WTF anyway. I really dont feel like doing this job anymore. I dont really want to help anyone anymore. Anyway, policy makers only make poilicies. WTF. PERIOD.

The Feeling of Being Knocked Out

28th August was D-day! I arrived at the Day Surgery Centre at 9.30am though my appointment is at 10am. Early is always better in this case and I am glad that I did cos' there were so many people waiting. So I went into the waiting area after I got myself changed to the robes and slippers. I wish I could take some pictures but I left my stuff and handphone all in the locker and handphones are not allowed unless it is for emergency. At about 10.45am, I was told to lie on the trolley bed and was pushed into the surgery. I was put on drip and the anesthesiologist came and asked me a few questions. He decided to put me on general anaesthesia although the doctor mentioned to me that I would be on local anaesthesia. Anyhow, I thought it would be better. So soon, I was put on the mask and some injections and I was totally knocked out before I even realised what had happened. Suddenly, I heard someone shouting at me saying that the operation was over. It was funny when the question I asked was if I snored! As I have sleep apnea, I tend to snore when I am not on CPAP machine. Then I heard someone telling me that I did not. I thought that was a bit weird to pop that question instead of asking about my surgery. But thereafter, I fell into sleep again. When I woke up again, being more alert, I saw the time was already 2.30pm. The first thing I wanted to do was to call Aileen who planned to accompany me home. The doctor came to review me and everything seemed well. I could feel the pain at the site and very uncomfortable. Nevertheless, it was still bearable for me. I was served with milo and some biscuits since I had not eaten the whole time since last night. After contacting Aileen, I spent another two hours dozing while waiting for Aileen and the nurse to review me again.

Flowers from Aileen

So at about 4pm, Aileen helped me to collect the medicine and I was out of the surgery centre only at about 5 pm plus. It was really nice of Aileen to buy me some flowers. And I am very appreciative of her kindness to help me. Here I am typing this, I just woke up from that drowsiness and I could still feel it. The pain is still around. I am going back to sleep again... Really tiring!

Facial at SK-II Boutique

Hmmm... My virgin facial treatment at SK-II Boutique. Never in my life have I done a facial treatment and all I can say is that it is really an interesting experience. I stumbled the promotion while I was checking out the so-called miracle facial treatment essence on the internet. I have been contemplating to try the essence for donkey months since the product came around. I wanted to buy and try but it is pretty expensive so I held back again. So there is a promotion of $50 discount for its facial treatment if registration is done online and there is also another 10% discount on the products. Well, since I have been tremendous stress from left, right, center, top and bottom, I decided to give myself a treat. Yeah. I should have done it long ago. The therapist is very skilful and friendly so I decided to come back next month to do another one, a different set of facial treatment. I guess I really need to give myself some pampering, so long it works within my budget. And yes! I got myself a small bottle of the essence and they gave me another two miniture samples of cleanser and toner.

I have to make myself look more radiant, not prettier but at least people will not comment that I am deprived of sleep and I look terrible all the time!

By the way, Dad has been discharged on Saturday. It was a long wait for him as my brother had gone to the hospital to fetch. They waited for a long long time for the doctor's clearance and finally, they let my Dad go after his dinner. Yeah. My Dad was grumbling but at least glad to be out of the hospital. He would be going back for outpatient follow-up and monitor his INR since he is on Wafarin. He has some stones in his gallbladder and once his INR is stable, he would be doing the operation in a month's time. He really hoped to get it all done and over with.

Hubby in Suit and Tie

I like this picture that hubby sent me. Hardly get to see him in suit and tie. I remember that last time I saw him wore one was during one convention a few years ago. Now at his new workplace, he has even more conventions to attend. So dressing up like that is usual for him. Well, we were thinking whether to invest getting a few more sets of suit. Its not very cheap. The last time we saw one nice set was at Marks and Spencers which costs about $700. I think it would be cheaper to make to measure... at JB! Hubby said that its just a waste of money... I think so too... Well, if you are going to rub shoulders with many big-shots, I guess its still inevitable!

Dad is Admitted !!

Poor Dad. Pain at the abdomen started on Monday and he beared with it. He could not take it anymore and went to see the family doctor. In the night, the pain persisted and my brother sent him to the ED. Stubbornly, he refused to admit when the doctor told him that he required further investigation and admission would be a better choice than outpatient follow-up. So he was discharged home at his own risk. The doctor gave him a checklist and a letter so that he could return to ED if the pain never subside. So things did not go the way Dad expected. He went back to ED and got admitted. The doctor told him that he would be going through some scans and await for Endoscopy if necessary. Dad was really worried and afraid of going through tests and tests. He was a stroke patient some years back and he did not like the way he was being treated in the hospital as he felt like an experimental object. Nevertheless, I explained to him the importance of going through all those investigations for the sake of his well-being. Hmmm... See how it goes. Our family hoped that he would be safe and fine.

Dad at TTSH Ward 11

Brother and I were trying to make him relax by snapping some pics. I only posted one up here. I thought I was being sadistic. But hey, take it easy, wont we? There is nothing much we can do cos' feeling worried and sad cannot solve anything. Just relax and let Him decide.

Another funny thing, the staff actually thought my Dad is Malay cos' they saw me, wearing the tudung! They got confused when they saw my brother and asked how we are related! Really funny for us to try to explain...

Its Aint Over Till Its Over

Hahahahahaa... I am letting out a sigh of relief thinking about my groupwork facilitation exercise. At last, I am done with the presentation and now I need to spend some time doing up the essay to be submitted together. I was so nervous and anxious about this whole thing that I felt the stress hitting me high time. No one might notice but my heart jumped really fast the past weeks whenever I thought about this groupwork thing. Well, the lecturer told the class that we should not go too deep into psycoeducation or therapeutic groupwork due to our lack of knowledge and skills. So we are allowed to present scenerios like meetings, discussions, cooking demonstrations, etc. I feel that these are not really what the real groupwork do. As far as we understand, groupwork involves facilitation of support groups, psychoeducation, group therapy, etc. But then, we are also doing groupwork but content is just different from what counsellors or social workers would do. Nevertheless, it was a fun presentation. Not that I expected because my partner and I were too nervous and we decided to make the whole thing light-hearted so that we could relax a little. Many of our classmates did not think that we were that nervous and all of us had a great time. I am glad that the lecturer thought we did a great job! YAY!!!

Some snaps to share...

This is Gaik Suan, our lecturer.

Me and Jeannie presented the slides.

Jeannie and I demonstrated salad making.

That is Billy and his orange, sharing with us about goodness of this fruit.

All group members were helping themselves with the fruits and salads.

By the way, our group objective was to promote healthy eating lifestyle. So we presented slides with ways of healthy eating and reasons to why healthy eating habits are important. Hmmm... I think I really got to be serious about what I had shared with my classmates too!!!

Very Stress !!!

I am very stressed. I feel that I can break down anytime from down. I have so many things in my head and everything is all so important. Starting on Monday, 18/8/08, my working place is having an international audit and this event is going to last for the whole week. I am feeling very uptight becasue I do not know if I will be called upon for interview. I have no idea. I thought I can just cross my fingers but I have another thing that is my group work facilitation exercise on Monday as well and I have no confident about presenting it. I am not sure if I can do it properly with my classmate. I think I maybe able to perform as the sole facilitator with a small group of people not more than five instead with a bigger group and with another co-facilitator. This whole thing is giving me cold feet. I cannot wait till it is all over and I can fully concentrate to do my other assignments. I think I am not meant to be a group facilitator. I cannot lead but I play a better team mate. Too bad, my classmate who is partnering with me does not feel that she is up to it either and she kind of 'leave everything to me' and she only wants to concentrate on her demonstration. Be it, I hope I can do it as it flows and I can learn a valuable lesson from there.

Happy Shopping on National Day

Today is our National Day. Hubby is back from KL and we went out shopping for some of his working clothes. Both of us are BIG fans of Marks & Spencers. The reason is obvious. We are big in size and their stores carry our sizes. And they have good quality clothes and now, they also offer quite affordable prices. We do not shop there every month. But at least 3 months once... Well, there is also Marks & Spencers at KLCC and the cost is cheaper by a few dollars after convertion. Hubby said that he prefers to shop with me than shop alone. So there we went, to the stores at Paragon and Centrepoint. He got what he wanted. A pair of black twin pleated pants and 5 pieces of long-sleeves shirts. Oh... The stores are having N-day celebrations so there was a 20% discount till 11 Aug 08! Hmmm... I did not get anything for myself so I decided to buy them as gifts for hubby. And I did not pay a lot... for so many tops and a bottom, all costed less than $200! ^_^ I feel that it is really worth it! Too bad, there is nothing really fantastic for me or not, I might have gone beyond budget.

Anyway, it was a good shopping trip. Hubby does not like to shop unless he has things in mind to buy. So we were both glad to have spend time together, shopping! He is going back to KL again the next day... I am going to start missing him soon!

Another Long Time Missing

I am not focused here. So many things are happening around me that I am giving up prioritising. Since May till now, my medical condition seems quite well. The virus is still there for sure. I just had another check today at the hospital. The professor confirmed that I cannot do away with the laser treatment. I uncrossed my fingers. I believe I have to be tested this way and I accepted Him for giving me a chance to see things in a different manner, through this procedure, through this tough journey that I am going through. Yes, the date has been set on 28th August 2008. I crossed my fingers again.

Hubby has left for KL. It was another tremendous effect on my emotion. Although I seem so fine, I am not really that fine. I HATE THIS FEELING coming back to me again. It happened 10 years ago when he left for Australia to study, for four years. This time he is leaving me again to work, for I-dont-know-how-long! He thinks it is a good opportunity to venture out. Yes, I support him. But emotionally, no one is supporting me. Both of us know that feeling of separation. It is really terrible. Absence can make a heart grows fonder. I think we are so over that phrase now! When he is not around, I miss a person who can cheer me up. When he is not around, I cannot remind him not to smoke so much. When he is not around, he cannot remind me to massage his legs. When he is not around, I would not be able to hear his silly jokes and watch his silly gestures which make my day. Things are just different when he is not around. Lesser chance of communication. Technology is just not real enough. I am just worried that our bond will be losing its stand as he gets busier each day... And in order for me not to think too hard or too much, I make myself even busier all day. I guess its not healthy. But I believe it is not going to be this way for too long. I want to finish my studies so that I can move over to KL then. I only can remember this now. We promised to be strong. We will be able to go through this together, again.

Dear hubby, I will always be here for you. And you will have to wait for me! Me love you as always...

BANG! SHOOT ME IF YOU CAN!

Hmmm... I was contemplating since Sunday whether I should go to the Emergency as I was still not feeling too good after the procedures last week. The doctor did tell me that if I am anywhere not too close to comfort, I should visit the Emergency. I woke up this morning about 3.25am feeling feverish. I took Panadols and hoping to feel better. I was worried of an infection there. Or I was also worried about the bleeding which has not stopped but lesser. I fell asleep and woke up at every hour to check the time. Dang! I have the alarm set, so what was I so paranoid about? I think I was just worried and feeling irritated. I heard the alarm at 6.30am. I texted my colleagues about my decision not to go to work and to go to the Emergency.

This was the first visit to a women's emergency department which was not crowded at all, not that I expected. I saw the doctor-on-duty quite fast, less than 15 minutes waiting time. He checked the part which was still sore and bleeding but he said that it seemed well. He let me test my urine, to rule out an urine tract infection. He gave me some more antibiotics. I think eating all these medication is making me even more sick but what to do? I feel like going back to work but those irritations do not make me feel any better. I cannot concentrate. I think I wont be able to fully concentrate till I am done and over with this treatment and the surgery! Quite stressful if that is the feeling. I am lost sometimes. Trying to accept my condition. And trying to give myself the hope and encouragement, looking at my loved ones around me. This is really unfortunate. Series and series of events that happened and happening in my life. I think that Almighty thinks I am up for the challenges that He just keeps throwing them at me. The good, the bad and the ugly. So should I be complaining? I should not be whining, should I? But He created me as a human being where flesh and blood are made. So now what again?

I think I am feeling bad about this whole situation regarding my job and studies. I even had a bad dream this afternoon when I woke up, I saw the time at 4pm and I was perspiring. I dreamt that I was talking to another colleague and then bad news broke to me that I have been asked to leave my work due to frequent absences! I wanted to cry! I took a cold shower and felt a little depressed sitting on the toilet seat, thinking about my future. What have I become?! Dang again!
Another depressing episode, I missed another lesson today. Feeling abit groggy. I try to read my notes and journals. Starting to type something for my assignment due next week. And I drifted off, now typing this instead. I am going to rest for another day. Hope that I can be back at work on Wednesday. I know, my colleagues would all be questioning me... So what I am going to say? Viruses ATTACKED!!! Thats it!

SIGH. I feel so fucked up! FUCK MY LIFE! FUCK!

Thanks Almighty for keeping me alive!

All Alone

I am all alone at home. Mother-in-law and hubby have gone to Malaysia and will return the next day. I was not very approving for hubby to go as he has been coughing very badly. It sounds like he is having some infection but I just do not understand why that he does not want to see a doctor and simply rely on the cough medication which he bought over the counter. I hate the sound of cough and I crossed my fingers that I will not get it from him. He was then unhappy about me not following him along. Of course I will not want to because I am still recovering from that pain. But to him, it will be fine to just sit in the car and travelling should not make it more worse. I hate that when I tried to reason with him and he will give me craps. And I do not understand and I still do not know the purpose of going to Malaysia this time. What is wrong with the frequent visits to Malaysia? Oh no... If mother-in-law misses her house so much, she should just stay there for good! I am getting tired. I want my flat back! I think that will be another episode! And good news, my brother-in-law's wife is now 2 months' pregnant so this will be another anticipation!

Hmmm... I feel like eating Nasi Lemak with Otah today...

Free My Tresses

As I have been given several days of medical leave, I cannot go anywhere but I decided to go the neighbourhood salon to cut off my tresses. Yeah. My hair was very long that it almost touched the back of my waist. I was thinking that if I am going for my surgery, short hair will be much more easier to manage. So there I went, I chopped off my tresses!!!

Other than cutting off my tresses, I also intend to read up my journals for the school assignments and try to do one although the due date is in two weeks' time. I am in pain now but it is still bearable. So I hope I can finish at least one of the two assignments before due.

Hmmm ... I feel like eating Sushi today ...

Fighting Viruses

I do not want to go mentally crazy but this can be quite a torture. Dealing with some illness is not easy for an individual especially when pain is involved and emotions can be abstract. Why do I say that emotions can be abstract? I can lose myself into the abyss of emotions and trying to swim out of it but do not know which directions to go. But I do take it quite well in the sense that I can still function normally.

When my body was being attacked by some viruses which can be cancerous, I was not quite in shock to hear the news at the first place. I have been expecting this, not that I am pessimistic about my own health but I have a history of cancer illnesses from my late mum's family. So here I am, dealing with some cancer causing viruses at my vulva and cervix, I need to deal with them with initial pain before these viruses turned nasty and started dealing with me. The thing about these viruses are, they come in hundred and one kinds that can stay or go as they wish. Stubborn ones like what I have just refused to fight with my body and stay put, so I need to make them leave or they will start building up nests and become networks that go to other parts of my body. These crab-like things can multiple very fast if you let them grow.

I need some strength. I am glad that my bosses and colleagues are kind enough to excuse me from work when I need to go for my treatment. But I am not too sure if my school is generous enough for me to attend less than the required 80% of the class which falls on every Wednesday as I may feel too painful to move around after I am done with the procedure, I need to skip the lesson. Well, my doctor only comes in on Wednesday, so I have no other days to choose. Anyway, I need to check with them again. My hubby seems supportive. He is always cheering me but I am not so sad actually. Probably that is just the way he does to show support. Words of emotion will make him cry like a baby. My own family is also taking my condition pretty well. Whatever comes along, we deal with it together.

I cry when I want to cry. I laugh when I want to laugh. How much worse can I be? I guess this is one bravest part of me that I have never seen. And I hope I can still be as brave as now when it is time for surgery. Just gotta hang on there, right!? ... Hmmm ... I miss Granny ...
And you can see, that was just a funny shot my hubby took with me in the train after we were going home from a procedure.
I did not look quite happy with his silly enthics.

Dad is 68

Celebrated Dad's birthday on Sunday. His birthday is on 15th April. He is now 68. Two years to go, he will be 70. It was just a simple celebration. Bought the all-time favourite fruit cake and some chicken pies. Having my sister over with her two kids made the whole thing fun and funny. Dad is always the quiet one. The person missing was my brother who had to work that day. This is also the first birthday that Dad celebrated without Granny around. I still miss her a lot. ( Sometimes I wonder if I am in a state of unconsciousness whenever I thought of Granny. ) Anyway, that feeling put aside. I love my dad, my sister, my brother, my nephew and niece. And also my hubby!

Some Good Things Come To An End

It was farewell time to Irene. She was my mentor, my good colleague and a crazy friend. She has been around in the department for almost five years. And we were talking about it that day if she did not tender her resignation, she probably will be getting her long-service award together with me! But things just did not go the way it should be. Things just happened like yesterday and now we thought it was like a moment ago. Irene is going to the States, as far as Arizona with her husband and two kids for at least two years due to her husband re-location of his job. I wish I can exchange places with her, to get to move away and experience living another country. But I think nothing beats your own country and home. Well, unless the person is so determined that nothing from his motherland can make him stay. There might be a time when she returns and join our team of department again. I do not know if I would still be around. Irene, if you plan to come back and join the department, I may wait for you... Hahahahhah... We will see then if it is a joke! *BIGBIGHUGSTOYOU*